Conversation Starters!

"The other guys still have the color indicators. This one's better!" they promise

"Boo-Boo Blue" to "Hurting Purple" to "Steady Green"...old news!! This one holds nothing back.

Walk into that gala with a bandaid on your elbow. Turn on the commentary.

Show them you're real. Your misstep needn't be your shame. To Err is human.

Wound pride just got married to boardroom bravado!!

"Pink and puckered, scabbing over like a badge of survival. People want me gone, smoothed out, erased...Not yet. Not yet! Sincerely, Your Still Healing Owie!"

White Collar Networking Hacks

Fingerpointing like, "unfair advantages". Claiming "unfair disadvantages" to themselves. Offering "proof" such as "LinkedIn Connections to VIPs"!!!

"People don't need an education. They don't need references. They need other people's corrupt references to hack to their advantage no matter what is on their own resumes," said a woman with an office overlooking the Hudson River. "I worked my way up here. I manage a large group of people who've all come under my umbrella of 'spot those political payouts'," she screamed over her Zoom call, as her subordinates watched in awed silence.

"If my accusation is so illogical, if I am so unable to connect the dots, how am I here? Someone let me in. Think about that!"

"She was hounded on her way to the employment office?! Who said?" "Who cares? Some of us don't even have social security numbers. We just grabbed a LinkedIn Profile linked to some bigshot. The rest was hard work and dumb luck.", "People with real SSNs and real homes and real passports aren't Democrats anyway!"

Personalized President

They hacked it. How to win 100% of the votes all the time! Yes, there is such an algorithm.

The genius who sold anything with "Would you have reacted this way to the Steam Engine?" is now old news. This man, who knew the right way into constituents' hearts, has replaced him on that podium.

People don't need promises. They aren't looking for a mandate. They know all of that is a tall mountain of lies anyway. What they want is to be heard.

With AI it becomes easy. Every installation gets to the heart of the user's personal matters in record time.

All I had to do was ask AI to draft a personalized slogan/greeting for every constituent in the whole country. It worked! They loved it!!

If the greeting was "Hey! You're practically like Florence Nightingale!!" for one, it was "Hey! You hate with great success. That takes skill!" for another.

What matters is they all felt heard.

For Moody Stockmarkets

So you can bet "against" as much as you can bet "for", so what?

No, no one is saying volatility is being forced in. Not even Alex Jones would say such a thing!! But it is being managed, isn't it?

Guess what? If you manage the markets like moody people are managed, the markets will end up in rehab too. They always talk about it like we don't know they're talking about it. "The market corrects itself.", "The slide is over.", "The bulls and the bears have found their ball bull(?) bearings.", "The future, sorry "futures" are up..." and of course the mundanely on the nose - "The madness is over."

"The only way to keep the market emotions steady is to feed it fake news," according to Future CNBC

"We have that pill ready!" yelled a bunch of bots (in the future) attached to microphones.

HTTPS: Hope Triumphs Trust Physical Storage

Cyber Security. Yeah. It's a rocky road online for the bits and the bytes.

For the ones and the zeros. For those still unaware, quantum computers have arrived on the scene as well. "Qubits" are QC bits.

Now everybody wants HTTPS. HTTP isn't good enough any more. If you're wondering why, the answer will surprise you. They have the "not secure" tag on there now. Http = not secure. And what is the average blogger supposed to do about that? Where do we go to get the S attached? They make you wait in line, and the lines they are long...

Meanwhile HTTPS. Someone's got a long list of complaints there as well - "My page has no visitors ever since I added the S to the HTTP!" Shocking! "It's so deserted they could get Pentagon over to my page to discuss war plans."

Series Launch: "Wisdom For Stupids"

This book has two chapters

"We had the idea, and got all excited from the afterglow of the warmth from that feeling you get when you know you're doing something good. But yeah, we just have a few words," said a one of the authors, in conversation with the Future Headlines PR team.

"To put it succinctly - stay closer to your zone, and maybe you know party in America? Latin America can wait until you've had the chance to get acquainted with the Western Hemisphere in general."

"Chapter Two is all about beaches/pubs and beach/pub boys and strangers and the hours at which to visit beaches/pubs, and with whom and why."

"It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. Besides, "Idiots Guide" had already passed on this one."

Fresh Set of Fake Fingers

Prosthetics? No. That's old. That's like the iPod. Ancient. Sythetic fingers - that's where they're making the big bucks now.

It was first introduced to take care of "Phone Finger"

You know where you had that thing with the index finger that you could use to press the home button?

We got comfortable transfering our fingerprints onto that film at the tip of that little fake phone finger thingy.

And now we have this problem. Who did not see this coming?

We don't even have a kill switch. Guess why? Vetoed. In the name of "encouraging innovation".

Bill Cancelled!

Fake fingerprints everywhere. Fingerprints that look real that belong to no one!! Yeah!!!

Department of Goose Experiments

The "Department of Goose Experiments" is really a stealth organization cracking down on exactly that!

"We've let too many of these pass unchecked already! Anybody with a degree in science is able to cook up a thing and label it "useful invention". Apparently no one is verifying these things.

No one could. I guess even if they wanted to. And this was their only job!!

It is getting worse as we speak. Now, anyone who has watched any Sci-Fi thinks they have a shot at "solving time travel"!!

Time Travel is not a joke! It could be dangerous! If you think you've solved it you should dial 911 immediately!!

I mean, come on!"

Woke Humor Network Outed

Was he willingly "bumbling"? Perhaps not. It was them. They were building a gang of woke comedians.

They used him. They poked our poor President with Russian Weapons. And no one even knew!!!Utterly horrifying!

This is a cued over the air by unseen buzzards, ala color by numbers, nasty gang of boring nitwits!

Aided by corrupt political hopefuls hoping to climb their way into the White House with foreign power!

If we can't stop them, we'll at least make them pay. Launch a "Gold Card" route to US citizenship. We'll sell it for five million dollars. Who is using who now? (or is it whom?)

Losers!!

4 or 8gst?

"I want to call them Numbojis," said expert linguist, Dr. N. Verbal, "They're still evolving."

"This might be an attempt to adopt tik-tok talk. As if those new pronouns weren't enough, they've got us squishing English words into numbers."

"Forget that seven ate nine," Dr. Verbal carried on, "that's a bad dad joke on X. And at home. This is serious stuff creeping into contracts and treaties. If they think bitcoin is money, they also think numbojis are solid words."

"Sign up for my college credit course on Communication Protocols tentatively titled - "Emojis are for social media, Numbojis are for heavy duty social media".

Drop Shopping Gets Competitive

As if Amazon wasn't already threatened by invidivual shoppers in China mailing things to Americans on a daily basis!!

The drop shoppers have now moved on to ship consumables.

"We never saw this coming. Yet another eggsploxion! Thankfully, this one did not originate in China!" Said a forty-five year old housewife from Toledo, Ohio, popular on Tik-Tok.

"I think it's about Tik-Tok. Amazon Prime was going to grab all of China's audience from Tik-Tok! That's not fair to those little kids!"

"And the egg prices! Oh my!! When God closes one door, another one opens up. I get the best farm bred eggs on the planet delivered right to my door!"

These are dire times. For Amazonian Americans, for Amazon, for Americans on Tik-Tok, For Tik-Tok, for American farms breeding chickens, for American chickens... but thank God for simple solutions.

Why do they tell you not to stuff yourself? "Stop eating like that, you're going to regret it!"

But then go, "Look at that man he's like 80, and he just finished a whole steak!!"

The alien walked away scratching its green wrinkles. "Puzzling. What is healthy? What is not healthy? Wish I had a human stomach. I'd know instantly. But then again, maybe not. If it means it can kill me...what I put in it..."

Oncology Recalled for Good

Like it ever made a dent in the stats. Finally, we're "woke" to the scam.

OVERHEARD THIS...

"Did it ever seem like we were getting somewhere?"

"Yes. But then we hit a wall. Hush hush began. Something big was running in the sidelines."

"You got unexpected results, didn't you? Side effects? Third Arm? Two left feet? Dreams full of ciphers hidden in nonagrams?"

The conversation ended there. Meanwhile spies reporting from deep within the underbelly of an enemy power warn of "weaponized cancers".

That's when an enemy threatens a certain kind of cancer which you then suddenly end up getting. Currrsszey talk or...?

Stay tuned!!

IQ lowered for woman who failed to anticipate crime!

She should have seen it coming. But no, she walked into that establishment without a care in the world like she owned the place. Here is the full list of things she could have done -

• 1.Polled Social Media
• 2.Uploaded an YouTube/Insta detailing her plans
• 3.Tapped into the hashtag of local mischief mongers who post regularly

"She did none of the things we do on a regular basis these days. It's almost as if she was afraid for her privacy or something! That's just rude! Trust the community, you know. Include them...," lamented a classmate on her own insta.

Well, lesson learned!

Establishment releases first of its kind "Food Law".

"This is the only societal classfication system that makes sense. Everything else, as we learnt, was racist and in the past - "Eugenics" for example. No, that was bad. But telling people what to eat, and exactly what to eat, and what not to eat, and more so telling them what to eat based on what they're wearing or not wearing, all of that - is about who they feel like when they choose what they choose to put into their mouths and send down the food pipe into their stomachs," said a county official selling the already enacted law.

This went on for a while. "Get on board. This is the future."

She grabbed the microphone.

"Hey! If it's just about exposure!! Watch me." She rubbed her face with a piece of cotton dipped in baby oil. "It's coming off. It is all coming off."

Groans!!

"Say bah now, but wait till I get my first illegal cease and desist. Then you'll see that I have landed!!"

Pop-ups are so much fun if they're like carnivals in a tent or the trampoline. Pop-ups on the internet are so annoying, so fucking annoying! So deeply aggravating - I become philosophical.

I think about the deeper meaning. A pop-up that promises goodies jucier than the goodies on the page... interrupting that orgasmic journey so rudely...kind of like when someone taps your shoulder on the dance floor when you're just begining to meld into one soul, with your random partner, that you just met. Or worse, like an actual orgasm blocker...how cruel!! How very cruel...!!!

The Power. Just focus on that. The power this tiny little pop-up has over you!! Your life. Your love life. Your peace of mind. Your nirvana!!

What do you do when faced with such a dilemma?? Can you start a protest?? It's just an email. That's all they want, right?? Typing...typing..done! Phew. Over.

AI is here! New Normal!! Peeking...is it over? No more pop-ups?? EEEEKS!! No, here's amother one and it's ChatGPT!! Wise I was not to have gone to war with the almighty pop-up!!